Humor

July 4th Note #2: Let’s Enact a Travel Ban!

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This 4th of July, forget about liberty and freedom and, instead, concentrate on the notion that they are all out to get us.  We must hide our heads in the sand.  We must succumb to every imagined fear we can.  We must close all our boarders to all who seek refuge to show the world how autocratic and third world country we can be.  You guessed it.  It’s time to play, “Let’s Enact a Travel Ban!”  Check local listings for dates and times.

July 4th Note #1: www.mad.evil.prez

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This 4th of July we celebrate America’s new incivility towards each with the grand opening of the new website:  www.mad.evil.prez.  Disclaimer:  this great new website while overstocked with lots of snake oil is not intended to be a replacement for divisive random tweets based upon nothing but conjecture, thoughtlessness and thin air.

Off-Color Remarks in Jokes

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rooster-2

The problem with Colbert’s inclusion of an off-color remark in the joke he told last week is that now, instead of keeping the focus of attention on Trump’s reckless, baseless, unsubstantiated, totally unthoughtful, untruthful and outrageous claims about a former President that might highlight for the general public Trump’s incompetency as a leader, the focus of attention is now on Colbert’s controversial remark.  The focus is no longer where it should be.  For a political joke to be effective, you need to keep the focus of attention squarely directed on the target of the joke, not on yourself.

But, on the other hand, I don’t believe the FCC has much of a chicken leg to stand on if they want to consider fining Colbert given that the word Colbert used means something totally benign with the formal use of the word in the English language.  If you look the word up in any Google search, the definition is:  “a male bird, especially a rooster.”  So, to the FCC chairman and his crusade to spend time and money to investigate something that would have been outright dismissed by any other sane, less vindictive administration, I only have one thing to say: “Cock-a-doodle-do.”  Besides, the less time the FCC spends “investigating” something that doesn’t need to be investigated, the more time the FCC and congress can get back to destroying our internet protections and making your life on the internet less secure and more annoying.

Presidential Mouthwash

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It’s pretty obvious that the controversial portion of Stephen Colbert’s joke contained a statement that was quite inappropriate. And I think Colbert should offer an apology.  Also, to further differ with Colbert on that topic, of course Trump’s mouth is good for other things.

For example, Trump’s mouth is good for telling Billy Bush how great it is to be able to grab things he shouldn’t.  Or exclaiming how former Presidents have dressed-up in stealthy black attire to sneak into his towers to bug his every conversation.  Or how the Intelligence community knows less than he does about the fairytale of Russian hacking.  “Fake news” is Trump’s mouth’s middle name.  Therefore, Trump’s mouth is good for anyone who aspires to be a despot or who wants to disgrace our American form of democracy.

For those cases, Trump’s mouth is the perfect useful tool.  No longer is it just a pen for Putin’s prize Rooster.  Speaking of which, that also now explains why I always thought I saw feathers flying around Trump’s head after ever watching him speak.  It all makes sense now.

 

The Great American Presidential Apprentice

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Coming January 20th at 6:00 AM PST/7:00 AM MST

Stay tuned for the Premier of “The Great American Presidential Apprentice,” the new world leader Reality TV show you don’t want to miss is coming this January 20th.  As President-Elect he has nearly caused one international incident after another from China, to Japan, to NATO and then throwing in a Russian Hacking denial or two for grins, but he’s just getting started.  Just wait until he becomes President on January 20th.  Populist autocrats all around the world can’t wait either.

Watch as he fires Congress while his supporters cheer with glee.  Then watch him fire the Supreme Court as they cheer some more.  And then watch him fire the Constitution but not before steamrolling over the Bill of Rights amidst ever more louder cheers (even the beloved second amendment does not get a reprieve).  In addition to his Constitution defacing antics, “Draining the Swamp” will take on a whole new Reality TV meaning as he successfully convinces us that he needs to fill up the swamp in order to drain it.

No Presidential Press Conference will be as much fun to watch as the ones he has planned for his “Press on Trial” segment.  All those nasty people in the press corps will be put on trial and then, you guessed it, fired.  Watch as he deflects attention away from questionable lawsuit settlements to some poor group of Broadway entertainers whose only crimes were that they asked that the rights of others be respected.

Watch as he dismantles your democratic institutions right before your very eyes, magically and then replaces your republic with a fiefdom.  The White House will never be the same.  In fact, it won’t be because it is being renamed.   Henceforth, it is now, “The Great House.”

So, tune-in on January 20th!  It will be like a having a Political Rally right in your very own living room!  America will be great again!!!  And, oh, by the way, he is also renaming America to the “United States of Greatness,” but, then, soon to be just, “Great, the Country,” because he intends to fire all the States too.  Additionally, everyone must now salute the red, white and combed-over flag.

And, for all of you who belong to questionable faiths who should not be let into the country, don’t forget to wear your official state issued religious identification badges because, afterwards, you might win an all-expense paid trip to his new resort, “The Taj Mahal Luxury Internment Villas,” near the new wall site.  And don’t pay any attention to those bellhops who look like armed guards.  As long as you don’t go anywhere, they won’t bother you.

*Check local listings for availability and times (times may vary).

 

Impeach Mickey Mouse!

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So, I am from a family of staunch conservatives. I’m surrounded by conservatives at work. I am from a hometown where conservatism is its middle name and where the Presidential Library of the greatest conservative that has ever lived resides. So, I have to say, impeachment fever is catching. And I’ve got it bad! It’s worse than cowbell.

That’s why I am advocating the impeachment of Mickey Mouse! Just consider the way Mickey has been acting all these years: with all his upstaging of Donald Duck, his bumbling attempts at apprenticeship, nearly flooding the whole world with his ill-conceived sorcerer type antics, and his outrageous efforts to render Mini-Mouse to little more than domestic status, oppressed, preventing her from being the total mouse she wants to be.

I’m certain all this bad behavior from this little rodent is the cause of all of the mistakes President Clinton has made, all the mistakes that President Bush has made and, lately, all the mistakes that President Obama is making. After all, how many of them can deny watching and being influenced by Mickey’s bad behavior when they were wee little folks? No remark about not inhaling will do here. So, let’s get to the source of this problem and impeach the one really responsible for all this chaos in the world in the first place!

Impeach Mickey Mouse now! I plan to be at the First Street overpass next Saturday, with my Freeway Banner in tow calling for Mickey’s impeachment. I’ll also be passing out several protest signs to those of you who are just as fed up as I am with the little happy cheese eater. Don’t let this mouse push us around any longer. So, how many of you will join me? Let’s impeach Mickey before it’s too late!!!!

Will the Real Dictator Please Stand Up?

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Even though I think the Iraqi Information Minister claiming that the Americans are nowhere near Baghdad as cameras clearly identify a U.S. presence in the background, probably, is more credible than the Republican assertions, still, I’ll entertain the idea, just for the moment, Obama really does want to be a Dictator.  So, if this really is true, I think Obama needs some additional study aids to help him along his way, because, it seems to me, Obama still has way too many anti-dictatorship attributes that will prevent him from achieving his dictatorial aspirations.

For example, Obama’s statement back in March of last year:  “Ultimately, if Mitch McConnell or John Boehner say we need to go to catch a plane, I can’t have Secret Service block the doorway.”  This will just never do.  A real dictator wouldn’t ever say or think such a thing.  A real dictator would have blocked the doorway.

So, to help Mr. Obama out on his quest to become Dictator, I’ve selected several self-help guides that I think will give the President the edge he needs to fulfill that lifelong dream that his poor Republican opponents have assigned to him.

If the President brushes up on these documents, Beck, Bachmann and many other talented Republican leaders will finally get the President they have always wanted–one where they can finally and legitimately make the claim that the “President is a Dictator.”