Humor
No-Woke World Florida
A New No-Woke World theme park is planning to be built in the former Reedy Creek Improvement District in Florida. DeSantis has decided to use his unlimited powers to create a new government sponsored theme park called, “No-Woke World.” The park will be built on the land that DeSantis took from Disney World earlier this year. No-Woke World is set to compete against that “awful, so called, ‘Magic Kingdom,’” DeSantis stated. “Floridians elected me to go war with Disney and that annoying little pathetic mouse, harboring that squeaky, high pitched woke-infested voice. And, by golly, that’s what I’m going to do!”
When asked about whether DeSantis might be confused; that what he disturbingly and personally wants may not really be what Floridians want, he commented, “My personal grievances are Florida’s Personal grievances.” Proud of his tyrannical behavior, DeSantis announced that No-Woke-Mountain will be the park’s first attraction. Part of the thrill of the ride being promoted by DeSantis is that non-white citizens will be allowed on the ride but they must always go to the back of the line.
Also, before entering the ride, non-white citizens will be looked upon with suspicion by menacing policemen dressed in character costumes. White citizens will be given the “No-Woke” discount after visiting the park more than five times in a year. Black citizens must complete a, “Critical Race Theory is Discrimination,” twenty-hour educational course before they will be allowed to enter the park for the first time. For those who have trouble passing the course, watching 40 hours of PragerU videos will also satisfy entrance requirements. In all, No-Woke World is sure to be a hit that is bound to out-compete Disney World in the coming years by being true to its newly adopted motto (and recently approved by the Central Florida Tourism Oversight District), “The Most Disturbing Place on Earth.”
Tinker Bell Sent Packing for being Too Woke
Claiming, “that little fairy is just too woke,” Tinker Bell has been banned from Cinderella’s castle, effective immediately, by order of the evil wicked Governor of the East, Ron DeSantis. DeSantis also said he will soon start eviction proceedings against the poor reputation-soiled fairy starting Monday. Since 1971, Tinker Bell had made her home in the Peter Pan attraction at Disney World in Florida but is now forced to permanently relocate to her older home in the Peter Pan attraction in Disneyland in California. Note that, Wokeness, a religion once thought to be protected by the U.S. Constitution, has come under attack recently by autocratic government agencies and new Florida State laws intended to discriminate against anyone daring to practice Wokeness in Florida.
What REAL Men Do
Apparently, real men are back and here is what they are saying…
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…just have draft-dodging bone spurs.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…think celebrated captured and tortured soldiers from Arizona who fought in Vietnam are not heroes.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…have despotic, undemocratic fantasies that the election they just lost and they, themselves, are having trouble rigging, was…rigged.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…think that soldiers who died or who were maimed while serving their country are ‘losers and suckers.’”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…fire their defense secretaries for adhering to American ideals of honor and respect for the Constitution over loyalty to a single self-aggrandizing, vindictively insecure individual.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…fire their heads of cybersecurity for contradicting their unfounded and un-democratic lies about voter fraud.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…fire naval commanders at sea for trying desperately to keep their crew safe from a deadly disease.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…hire former New York City mayors with damaged reputations as legal counselors to spread lies and attack and undermine our democracy.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…ignore Federal laws (18 U.S. Code § 1513) as they fire in retaliation decorated military intelligence officers testifying to the truth.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…demand more loyalty to themselves than they do to our Constitution.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…are good with a Sharpie Pen when hurricanes strike.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…unsuccessfully pay-off adult film actresses to keep them quite.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…are still looking for all those boat owners in North Carolina.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…ignore bounties placed on the heads of their soldiers.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…think democracy is too inconvenient and too inefficient.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…corruptly extort presidents of foreign nations by using U.S. government resources for their own personal and political gains.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…just get impeached.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…brood inside an oval office; launch endless, frivolous electoral lawsuits and never man-up to concede with honor.”
Well, there you have it. “Real men” wear masks. Doing their duty, they are protecting the ones they love, their fellow citizens and, to the extent that masks self-protect, themselves as well. All “Real Men” agree that you should wear a mask too. However, and for some reason we still don’t quite understand, after all these years, “Real Men” still don’t eat quiche?
Find Ukraine on a Map!
If we want to keep our country free of totalitarian nonsense, we all know that we better be able to find Ukraine on a map. So, that’s why, today, everybody is playing the fast paced new trivia board game that is taking the country by sharpie storm: “Find Ukraine on a Map!” You will be given a map. In 10 seconds you must find Ukraine or suffer an undeserved berating at the hands of some undignified Press hating despot in the State Department and then lose your First Amendment right to Freedom of the Press, stripped of your ability to cover State Department events as ordered by the sinister, totalitarian Secretary of State in his petty act of revenge.
However, beat the clock by finding Ukraine and you get to go to the next level…you get to, “Find Lichtenstein on a Map!” Each new level presents a more challenging little country to find; one that the Secretary of State thinks you don’t care about. Have fun as you turn the Secretary of State into a pathetic world renowned laughingstock with each new level and country you identify!
You’ll have hours of fun with friends and family! You won’t be able to stop playing, “Find Ukraine on a Map!” Also, soon to be a prime time TV game show (with efforts underway to enlist Pat Sajak as its host)! And don’t forget about its sibling board game, “Find Hurricane Dorian’s Alabama Path on a Map!”—for all you weather enthusiasts!
References:
PragerU and that Chupacabra Story on Page 10
Recently, I’ve been having a major PragerU video infestation of my Facebook newsfeed:
-One PragerU video told me how Trump’s words were completely twisted, no, even mangled, by the evil liberal media (OK, I’m taking liberties to exaggerate and paraphrase a bit but it takes nothing away from PragerU’s message). I watched the footage from the actual press conference in question. It wasn’t hard to find on the Internet. PragerU is full of it. What the media reported was accurate.
No word twisting. Trump explicitly stated there were “very fine people, on both sides.” The only two sides on that awful day in Charlottesville that resulted in the loss of a life were racist groups protesting the removal of a statue of a Confederate General and counter-protesters protesting the hate those groups represent.
-Another PragerU video told me that the “Big Monolith Tech Giants” are manipulating conservative messages they don’t want me to see. However, they conveniently ignore the fact that their video about this topic is showing up in my newsfeed. This pretty much discredits their whole argument in one single “Big Monolith Tech” newsfeed instant.
-A third PragerU video, in a mindless crusade against Net Neutrality, tries to tell me how the poor ISP’s are being denied a revenue model that seems to me to be little more than an extortion scheme to wrestle away money from the real victims, innocent Web Application websites minding their own business on the Internet as they experience a shakedown by a consortium of unprincipled and unchecked ISP’s: “hey, we’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse; pay us and we won’t divert our subscriber traffic away from your website. Talk to our sales rep, Bugsy about our great ‘insurance’ plans. Choose the intimidation level you like best.”
Classy. Let’s damage the legitimate profit margins for 99.9% of businesses in America in favor of corrupt, nefarious business practices that benefit less than 0.1% of the businesses in America. That’s an odd way of being “Pro-Business,” especially if we want to be viewed as a country that sponsors a free enterprise system that is equitable, fair and honors a playing field free of corruption.
After being subjected to the barrage of insults to my intelligence, I can only come to one conclusion: PragerU has about as much credibility as that chupacabra story on page 10 of the National Enquirer. Not a credible source of information. Of course, if you believe chupacabras are real then I suppose there is really not much else to say.
References:
https://broadbandnow.com/All-Providers
https://www.census.gov/programs-surveys/susb.html
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmaZR8E12bs (Trump’s Remarks about Charlottesville)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chupacabra
*The percentage of ISP’s was based upon a variety of sources, relying mostly upon data taken from 2012 (number of business in America) and 2018 (number of ISP’s). Since the economy is better today and the number of businesses has likely increased, the percentage arrived at is intended to be and is presumed to be a conservative estimate.
Applying the AG’s New Recursive Investigation Rule
It’s not just the Mueller investigation that needs to be investigated, the revenge seeking mission to expose all those rats who had the gall to suspect the President was a crook, other investigations requiring investigation into their shameful waste of tax payer money are also now being considered:
- O. J. Simpson – no conviction in the 1990’s – was it a waste of money?
- Fatty Arbuckle – no conviction – was it a waste of money?
- William Kennedy Smith – no conviction– was it a waste of money?
- John Hinckley, Jr. – not guilty by reason of insanity – was it a waste of money?
- Robert Blake – no conviction – was it a waste of money?
- Michael Jackson – no conviction – was it a waste of money?
- Amanda Knox – no conviction – was it a waste of money?
- Casey Anthony – no conviction – was it a waste of money?
- George Zimmerman – no conviction – was it a waste of money?
- Fat Election Hacker Guy in New Jersey Eating Pizza – waste?
The families of these people who had their lives turned upside-down by “Prosecutors Gone Wild” and who also participated in no collusion can now get their revenge thanks to their new Attorney General allies in the Justice Department.
Big Red Hats for Sale
- MAGA Hats – Just fantastically crafted American knowhow made in China hats; the standard apparel for any marching standoff with your favorite Native American Drummer. $25.99.
- MAWA Hats – Equally crafted with a poignantly stinging overt message about what you really want America to be. $25.99.
- MANA Hats – In honor of all our beautiful friends from Norway. You’re going to love this smart looking hat with a slightly more subtle message about your positive border control and travel ban fears. $27.99.
Benito Trumpolini and His Great Government Shutdown Wall!
Trumpolini is implementing his glorious “Trumpolini First” policy by making our country and Federal Workers poor again! Come celebrate this amazing accomplishment at the border with us today! Entertainment will be provided. Some of the festivities will include watching hordes of amnesty seekers subjected to tear gas and loads of other fun but we’re running out of money for some reason to provide you all this great entertainment (we blame this on all the nasty Democrats). So please go to our “GoFundMe” page!
There will be caged children, fireworks, plenty of name calling and testimonials from Federal Workers so happy not to receive their lousy unpatriotic paychecks while the rest of us at the congressional and executive levels feast in celebration! And it should be noted that all Federal Workers know that their scant sacrifice during this shutdown is for the greater good of the great nation of Trumpolini! And remember and don’t forget by supporting this patriotic shutdown endeavor you are working to, “Make Trumpolini Great Again!”
This has been a public service announcement sponsored by the Trumpolini Government’s Trumpolini First Ministry of Public Affairs.
The G-20 Hyperlink Blues
Using his great deductive reasoning skills, Rudy Giuliani concluded that Twitter conspired with anti-Trump forces to malign his Tweet. By failing to include a space between the end of a sentence and the next one, Giuliani errantly produced the hyperlink: G-20.in. This, of course, for most of us in the Tech World, means that Twitter thinks the word combination is a website with a domain extension of “.in” which is similar to “.gov”, “.com”, etc. (i.e. it makes the word combination “clickable”). So, some bright individual noticed that, bought the domain name, “g-20.in” (to make a real website out of the domain name) and put up this great announcement, “Donald J. Trump is a traitor to our country” (see the hyperlink for the full webpage experience). Twitter users could now be directed to this site as they click on Giuliana’s Tweet.
But, rather than find out what really happened, Giuliani constructs this whole elaborate conspiracy theory story that Twitter is behind some grand scheme to defame the President because Twitter allowed “someone to invade my text with a disgusting message.” This makes something that was incredibly funny into something ridiculously funny but also, disturbingly outrageous at the same time because I think, as a former high profile prosecutor, Giuliani should know better. I will refrain from making any kind of comment regarding what that might mean for his legal representative skills, however.
References:
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The Polarity Resistance 