Humor

The Great American Presidential Apprentice

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Coming January 20th at 6:00 AM PST/7:00 AM MST

Stay tuned for the Premier of “The Great American Presidential Apprentice,” the new world leader Reality TV show you don’t want to miss is coming this January 20th.  As President-Elect he has nearly caused one international incident after another from China, to Japan, to NATO and then throwing in a Russian Hacking denial or two for grins, but he’s just getting started.  Just wait until he becomes President on January 20th.  Populist autocrats all around the world can’t wait either.

Watch as he fires Congress while his supporters cheer with glee.  Then watch him fire the Supreme Court as they cheer some more.  And then watch him fire the Constitution but not before steamrolling over the Bill of Rights amidst ever more louder cheers (even the beloved second amendment does not get a reprieve).  In addition to his Constitution defacing antics, “Draining the Swamp” will take on a whole new Reality TV meaning as he successfully convinces us that he needs to fill up the swamp in order to drain it.

No Presidential Press Conference will be as much fun to watch as the ones he has planned for his “Press on Trial” segment.  All those nasty people in the press corps will be put on trial and then, you guessed it, fired.  Watch as he deflects attention away from questionable lawsuit settlements to some poor group of Broadway entertainers whose only crimes were that they asked that the rights of others be respected.

Watch as he dismantles your democratic institutions right before your very eyes, magically and then replaces your republic with a fiefdom.  The White House will never be the same.  In fact, it won’t be because it is being renamed.   Henceforth, it is now, “The Great House.”

So, tune-in on January 20th!  It will be like a having a Political Rally right in your very own living room!  America will be great again!!!  And, oh, by the way, he is also renaming America to the “United States of Greatness,” but, then, soon to be just, “Great, the Country,” because he intends to fire all the States too.  Additionally, everyone must now salute the red, white and combed-over flag.

And, for all of you who belong to questionable faiths who should not be let into the country, don’t forget to wear your official state issued religious identification badges because, afterwards, you might win an all-expense paid trip to his new resort, “The Taj Mahal Luxury Internment Villas,” near the new wall site.  And don’t pay any attention to those bellhops who look like armed guards.  As long as you don’t go anywhere, they won’t bother you.

*Check local listings for availability and times (times may vary).

 

Impeach Mickey Mouse!

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So, I am from a family of staunch conservatives. I’m surrounded by conservatives at work. I am from a hometown where conservatism is its middle name and where the Presidential Library of the greatest conservative that has ever lived resides. So, I have to say, impeachment fever is catching. And I’ve got it bad! It’s worse than cowbell.

That’s why I am advocating the impeachment of Mickey Mouse! Just consider the way Mickey has been acting all these years: with all his upstaging of Donald Duck, his bumbling attempts at apprenticeship, nearly flooding the whole world with his ill-conceived sorcerer type antics, and his outrageous efforts to render Mini-Mouse to little more than domestic status, oppressed, preventing her from being the total mouse she wants to be.

I’m certain all this bad behavior from this little rodent is the cause of all of the mistakes President Clinton has made, all the mistakes that President Bush has made and, lately, all the mistakes that President Obama is making. After all, how many of them can deny watching and being influenced by Mickey’s bad behavior when they were wee little folks? No remark about not inhaling will do here. So, let’s get to the source of this problem and impeach the one really responsible for all this chaos in the world in the first place!

Impeach Mickey Mouse now! I plan to be at the First Street overpass next Saturday, with my Freeway Banner in tow calling for Mickey’s impeachment. I’ll also be passing out several protest signs to those of you who are just as fed up as I am with the little happy cheese eater. Don’t let this mouse push us around any longer. So, how many of you will join me? Let’s impeach Mickey before it’s too late!!!!

Will the Real Dictator Please Stand Up?

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Even though I think the Iraqi Information Minister claiming that the Americans are nowhere near Baghdad as cameras clearly identify a U.S. presence in the background, probably, is more credible than the Republican assertions, still, I’ll entertain the idea, just for the moment, Obama really does want to be a Dictator.  So, if this really is true, I think Obama needs some additional study aids to help him along his way, because, it seems to me, Obama still has way too many anti-dictatorship attributes that will prevent him from achieving his dictatorial aspirations.

For example, Obama’s statement back in March of last year:  “Ultimately, if Mitch McConnell or John Boehner say we need to go to catch a plane, I can’t have Secret Service block the doorway.”  This will just never do.  A real dictator wouldn’t ever say or think such a thing.  A real dictator would have blocked the doorway.

So, to help Mr. Obama out on his quest to become Dictator, I’ve selected several self-help guides that I think will give the President the edge he needs to fulfill that lifelong dream that his poor Republican opponents have assigned to him.

If the President brushes up on these documents, Beck, Bachmann and many other talented Republican leaders will finally get the President they have always wanted–one where they can finally and legitimately make the claim that the “President is a Dictator.”