Satire
Soliciting New Names for the Republican Party
Since the Republican Party no longer appears to be the Party of Lincoln (preferring dishonest seditious TV Reality Stars instead) and it is definitely no longer the “Law and Order Party” given their continuing unwillingness to hold dishonest politicians in their own Party accountable for their unethical and inciting offences, the Party should really consider a name change. Here are some ideas I have for a new name:
The News of the World Party
The National Enquiring Minds Party
The Chupacabras and UFO’s Really Exist Party
The Chest Hair Totalitarian Party
The 11,780 Missing Votes Party
The Alien DNA and Stop the Kabul Party
The Laser from Space Forrest Fire Party
The Seditious and Capital Vandals Party
The Censure Character and Integrity Party
The No Checks and Balances Party
The American Dear Leader Party
The One Dude Weird Worship Party
The Jim Jones Reinvented Party
The Grape Flavored Kool-Aid Party
The Kiss My Shinny Ring Party
The Alternate-Facts State TV & Propaganda Party
The My Pillow Party
The Forsake Our Founding Fathers Party
The Twisted Big Liars Party
The Bone Spurs and Lost Boats Party
The Walk to the Capital Party
The New Confederate Patriot Party
The Confederate Statue and Peculiar Reinstitution Party
The Throw Your Supporters Under the Bus Party
The Extort Another Foreign President for Political Gain Party
The Witness Tampering & Subpoena Obstructionist Party
The Vindictive Felonious Witness Retaliation Party
The Abuses of Power Party
The Russian Conspiracy Theory Champions Party
The Deference to Putin Party
The Alienate Your Traditional Allies Party
The Oops, We Found Another False Positive Dead Voter Party
The Dodge another Billion Dollar Law Suit Party
The Defamation of Character Party
The No Character and Wet Noodle Party
The Despicable Me Party
The Dr. Evil and Backwards Little Finger in the Mouth Party
I am pretty confident that one of the above names will be much more appropriate for the Republican Party. And, that way, by selecting one of those above names, the Republican Party no longer has to worry so much about soiling the good name of President Lincoln and his former Party that had once held a place of so much honor and respect for preserving America’s dedication to the rule of law and against the rule of men.
What REAL Men Do
Apparently, real men are back and here is what they are saying…
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…just have draft-dodging bone spurs.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…think celebrated captured and tortured soldiers from Arizona who fought in Vietnam are not heroes.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…have despotic, undemocratic fantasies that the election they just lost and they, themselves, are having trouble rigging, was…rigged.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…think that soldiers who died or who were maimed while serving their country are ‘losers and suckers.’”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…fire their defense secretaries for adhering to American ideals of honor and respect for the Constitution over loyalty to a single self-aggrandizing, vindictively insecure individual.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…fire their heads of cybersecurity for contradicting their unfounded and un-democratic lies about voter fraud.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…fire naval commanders at sea for trying desperately to keep their crew safe from a deadly disease.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…hire former New York City mayors with damaged reputations as legal counselors to spread lies and attack and undermine our democracy.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…ignore Federal laws (18 U.S. Code § 1513) as they fire in retaliation decorated military intelligence officers testifying to the truth.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…demand more loyalty to themselves than they do to our Constitution.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…are good with a Sharpie Pen when hurricanes strike.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…unsuccessfully pay-off adult film actresses to keep them quite.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…are still looking for all those boat owners in North Carolina.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…ignore bounties placed on the heads of their soldiers.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…think democracy is too inconvenient and too inefficient.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…corruptly extort presidents of foreign nations by using U.S. government resources for their own personal and political gains.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…just get impeached.”
“Real men wear masks. Those who don’t…brood inside an oval office; launch endless, frivolous electoral lawsuits and never man-up to concede with honor.”
Well, there you have it. “Real men” wear masks. Doing their duty, they are protecting the ones they love, their fellow citizens and, to the extent that masks self-protect, themselves as well. All “Real Men” agree that you should wear a mask too. However, and for some reason we still don’t quite understand, after all these years, “Real Men” still don’t eat quiche?
How to Protect Oneself against the “Conspiracy Theorist in Chief”
- Wear a Mask
Wear a mask, please, and don’t go to any type of super spreader events like the ones the “Conspiracy Theorist in Chief” has recently been holding. Being mask-less, stupidly defiant, antagonistic and condescendingly inconsiderate of the health of others doesn’t really help in this fight against the pandemic. What the latter behavior will do, however, is cause the cases and the deaths to spike again.
- Vote by Mail
Please vote by mail if at all possible. Instances of voter fraud are less than 0.01%. Study after study held by Republicans, Democrats and independents, all come up with this same similar percentage of cases. And even if that percentage were higher, denying people their right to vote is not the way to properly address the issue. Only a despot would think that.
- Use Common Sense
Lastly, use common sense. It also wouldn’t hurt to consider obtaining your news from more than one source, cross-checking the facts, etc. And for Pete’s sake, don’t ever follow the advice of the “Conspiracy Theorist in Chief.” It could either kill you, like it did Herman Cain, or get you thrown into jail.
Conspiracy Theorist in Chief
He is the “Conspiracy Theorist in Chief.” From Birther Stories to Deep State delusions to dangerous hallucinations about Election Fraud to hordes of imaginary caravanning terrorists at the border to his support of QAnon’s insane theory about a secret cabal of leading Democrats involved in a nefarious network of human trafficking, he is the king of misinformation and other flights of dangerously un-American despotic fantasies. As confirmed by his doctors in the white suits, this makes him uniquely qualified to identify elephants, but, leaving him without much ability to identify anything ever having to do with the truth, especially when it comes to COVID-19 (“Did I tell you, Bob, how dangerous this disease was in February, much deadlier than the flu but I’m down playing it because, you know, I don’t want people to panic? Plus, I like calling things that are the truth a hoax”).
PragerU and that Chupacabra Story on Page 10
Recently, I’ve been having a major PragerU video infestation of my Facebook newsfeed:
-One PragerU video told me how Trump’s words were completely twisted, no, even mangled, by the evil liberal media (OK, I’m taking liberties to exaggerate and paraphrase a bit but it takes nothing away from PragerU’s message). I watched the footage from the actual press conference in question. It wasn’t hard to find on the Internet. PragerU is full of it. What the media reported was accurate.
No word twisting. Trump explicitly stated there were “very fine people, on both sides.” The only two sides on that awful day in Charlottesville that resulted in the loss of a life were racist groups protesting the removal of a statue of a Confederate General and counter-protesters protesting the hate those groups represent.
-Another PragerU video told me that the “Big Monolith Tech Giants” are manipulating conservative messages they don’t want me to see. However, they conveniently ignore the fact that their video about this topic is showing up in my newsfeed. This pretty much discredits their whole argument in one single “Big Monolith Tech” newsfeed instant.
-A third PragerU video, in a mindless crusade against Net Neutrality, tries to tell me how the poor ISP’s are being denied a revenue model that seems to me to be little more than an extortion scheme to wrestle away money from the real victims, innocent Web Application websites minding their own business on the Internet as they experience a shakedown by a consortium of unprincipled and unchecked ISP’s: “hey, we’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse; pay us and we won’t divert our subscriber traffic away from your website. Talk to our sales rep, Bugsy about our great ‘insurance’ plans. Choose the intimidation level you like best.”
Classy. Let’s damage the legitimate profit margins for 99.9% of businesses in America in favor of corrupt, nefarious business practices that benefit less than 0.1% of the businesses in America. That’s an odd way of being “Pro-Business,” especially if we want to be viewed as a country that sponsors a free enterprise system that is equitable, fair and honors a playing field free of corruption.
After being subjected to the barrage of insults to my intelligence, I can only come to one conclusion: PragerU has about as much credibility as that chupacabra story on page 10 of the National Enquirer. Not a credible source of information. Of course, if you believe chupacabras are real then I suppose there is really not much else to say.
References:
https://broadbandnow.com/All-Providers
https://www.census.gov/programs-surveys/susb.html
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmaZR8E12bs (Trump’s Remarks about Charlottesville)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chupacabra
*The percentage of ISP’s was based upon a variety of sources, relying mostly upon data taken from 2012 (number of business in America) and 2018 (number of ISP’s). Since the economy is better today and the number of businesses has likely increased, the percentage arrived at is intended to be and is presumed to be a conservative estimate.
Big Red Hats for Sale
- MAGA Hats – Just fantastically crafted American knowhow made in China hats; the standard apparel for any marching standoff with your favorite Native American Drummer. $25.99.
- MAWA Hats – Equally crafted with a poignantly stinging overt message about what you really want America to be. $25.99.
- MANA Hats – In honor of all our beautiful friends from Norway. You’re going to love this smart looking hat with a slightly more subtle message about your positive border control and travel ban fears. $27.99.
The Polarity Resistance 